Revive tenderness, intimacy, and understanding
Often people in a relationship don’t realize how important their bond is until it’s just about destroyed. Many couples are raising children by the time they realize their marriage has been slowly drifting apart. Some escape through affairs, shopping, work, hobbies, or the internet. Some become filled with remorse for the things they have done or not done and get depressed. Others plead for more love and attention. They want to regain a sense of connection, passion, and trust.
Your primary relationship is important
You have committed yourself to one person and have chosen to spend the rest of your lives together. This arrangement provides both of you with the security of having a loyal, loving partner that you can turn to for affection and support. A well-functioning marriage can provide a safe and secure ‘home base’ that nurtures and sustains you. When boredom, disconnection or hostility enters a marriage, the loss of companionship is profoundly painful. It often takes several years until a couple acknowledges the loss and attempts to do something about it. Typically, couples do not realize the extent of the damage until one or both can no longer ignore the pain.
We can help you restore the love you once had
Even if your marriage has been troubled for many years, either through neglect, infidelity, or feelings of being unappreciated, love is possible again. We will help you significantly improve your relationship so that home can, once again, be a safe haven.
An unhappy marriage can affect your health and lead to anxiety and depression. When there is bickering and fighting within a marriage, adrenaline and cortisol levels dramatically increase. These hormones are responsible for the fight-or-flight response. The more bickering and fighting in a marriage, the more harmful the effects of these emergency response hormones on your body.
If your relationship is in trouble, we can help you. Life is too short to spend it constantly fighting with the person you care for so deeply.
Imagine a loving marriage that nurtures
A good marriage can help keep you healthy. Studies show that loving, nurturing, and harmonious relationships are associated with faster recovery from injury and illness, longer life expectancy, and a decreased risk of depression and
addictions. Loving feelings produce the anti-stress, anti-depression, and anti-anxiety hormone called oxytocin. When you feel connected with your spouse, the whole world looks better because your brain is literally bathed in this tranquility producing hormone. Learn valuable skills such as creative problem solving, communication techniques, the importance of expressing appreciation, and how to keep an argument from escalating.
We can help you achieve the relationship you’ve always wanted
Take the first step towards a better life with the person you love. Call now for a free initial phone consultation.
I’ve heard that over half of all marriages end in divorce. Is that true?
Yes, about 55% of first marriages end in divorce and 65% of second marriages, 40 % of couples divorce within the first four years. Once the first flush of love ends, couples lack the skills they need to transition into a deeper, more mature relationship. That’s so sad, because with good counseling most couples can recapture positive feelings and re-ignite their love.
What causes a couple that started out with so much love to eventually drift apart?
Couples begin to drift apart when communication breaks down. The way they try to resolve conflicts has a lot to do with whether the relationship will last.
For a relationship to thrive, you need to feel emotionally close to each other. Intimacy increases when you communicate in a caring, respectful way. You mustn’t put each other down or be harsh. It’s not just what you say but how you say it and your body language and facial expression.
Drifting apart is the #1 cause of divorce in this country, even more than infidelity or financial problems. Relationships drift apart when partners neglect their friendship and allow conflicts to escalate instead of making profound attempts to resolve them. Criticism, defensiveness, putting the other person down, and not spending enough time having fun together are some of the reasons a couple drifts apart.
Couples need to make their relationship a top priority and put lots of time and energy into it. They need to go out for dinner and take walks. When couples take each other for granted and become preoccupied, the relationship deteriorates.
Something else that affects a relationship is emotional baggage. Memories of past interactions with another person re-surface. If this is happening in your relationship, you or your partner may be reacting to differences inappropriately, with a ten instead of a two.
I worked with a couple who came in with a jealousy issue. The woman’s first husband had cheated on her many times, and she never recovered. Now, every time her new husband came home a little late from the office, she barraged him with questions, “Where were you? It couldn’t have taken that long to drive home” Needless to say, by the time they came for counseling, he dreaded coming home. The marriage was in big trouble.
Partners have to feel safe to talk about hurt feelings. When they don’t discuss their hurts, the hurt turns into resentment. This can lead to emotional deadness. The passion goes out of the relationship. They begin to feel like roommates. Once the ability to connect and be vulnerable diminishes, love diminishes too,
“I feel so alone,” a woman told me, “even though my husband is right beside me. It hurts so badly not to connect. I think I’d be less lonely without him.”
What causes a disagreement to escalate into an argument?
Poor communication skills and lack of a sincere attempt to understand what your partner is feeling. It’s important to listen with respect and openness,
Sometimes you think you’re listening to what your partner is saying, but you’re listening with your head instead of your heart. You’re thinking about the next thing you’ll say, how to defend yourself and prove you’re right.
You need to really stop and listen, to really care how much your partner hurts, and to tell your partner when you are addressed in a hurtful way. It is through connecting one heart to another, around seemingly small things, that love grows.
What if one partner wants to seek counseling and the other doesn’t? Is there hope for the relationship?
Even if you come for counseling a one, there are lots of things you can do to improve your relationship. Often, when you change, your partner changes too.
Is it possible to help a marriage when the couple’s personalities do not mesh?
Yes, it’s possible to help such marriages. For instance, one partner must be taught how to respond to the other’s verbal attacks, and the other must learn ways to tone down his or her volatility,
Is it true that couples should never go to bed angry?
No, it’s not true. Once one or both partners fee emotionally flooded, their interactions will almost always be destructive. It’s best to wait until you are quieted down or to sleep on it rather than to stay up late to avoid going to sleep angry.
What is emotional flooding?
Emotional flooding happens when emotions begin to get out of control. It’s accompanied by higher blood pressure, a pounding heart, rapid breathing and muscle tension. You feel overwhelmed. You want to run. You know you might say or do something you’ll regret later.
What should couples do when they’re getting emotionally flooded? Is there any way they can stop themselves before they damage the relationship?
One of the most important things I teach couples is to recognize when an argument is beginning to escalate and to take a “pause” or “time-out.”
We all get carried away in the passion of the moment. We lose our tempers and say things we’ll regret later. As soon as you sense that your partner is about to go over the line into verbally aggressive behavior, say, “I see you’re angry with me. I want to hear what you have to say, but I need you to speak to me respectfully.” If your partner continues the aggressive behavior, say, “This is getting too heated, I need a time-out. I’ll be back in fifteen minutes.” Then leave the room. If, after fifteen minutes, your partner is still revved up, say you’ll be back in half an hour. If the verbal aggression continues when you return, leave for an hour. Discuss the issue only when both of you are quieted down and have a sincere intention to be respectful.
Taking a time-out spares both of you from hurting each other by saying things you can’t take back or doing something that will cause lasting damage. When you sense that an argument is about to spiral out of control, that’s the time to leave. Sometimes my clients tell me that when they attempt to leave, their partner blocks the door. Using physical force to keep a person captive can quickly escalate into physical violence.
Don’t use time-out to figure out how to retaliate when you return or flood your brain with negative thoughts about your partner. Instead use your break to take a therapeutic walk, focus on your breathing, and calm down.
When you come together again to discuss the issue, you can use your new communication and problem-solving skills. You’ll learn to relate in a positive way without attacking or defending. When couples interact in a caring, respectful way, love grows.
I know it’s important to maintain boundaries in a healthy relationship. Exactly what are boundaries and why are they so important?
When boundaries are in place, relationships flow smoothly. Boundaries set limits, define us, set expectations and give us rules about our roles. When boundaries are strong they also become flexible. We are able to adapt in the moment. Boundaries are a problem when they are so rigid they have no flexibility or so flexible they have no power.
If I can trust that you will set your boundary then when I need to ask you for something I can trust that you will take care of yourself, consider the request, agree or not and not hold resentment later as to your decision. I want to trust that you will interact with me according to the rules we set. As trust builds, our love will become deeper and deeper.
What about infidelity? How does one let go of constantly thinking about past hurts and betrayal?
The only way you can let go of past hurts and betrayal is by having those hurts listened to and honored and to know your partner sincerely wants to change.
Sometimes there’s more going on under the surface than meets the eye. A couple came to my office who had been bickering for a long time. Then it came out. She had had an affair twenty years before, and they had not gone for help to connect back up. As time passed, they became more and more emotionally withdrawn. During our sessions I helped them heal old wounds. They learned valuable communication and problem-solving skills and were able to re-ignite their love,
Why are affairs so devastating?
Discovering an affair can cause one’s partner the overwhelming emotional pain of an “attachment injury.” An attachment injury happens after a betrayal of trust, and it defines the relationship as insecure. The suffering is very intense.
A couple in their thirties came to my office recently. She was pregnant and very distraught. “We were so excited,” she said, “that a baby was coming. We felt closer than ever. Then I found out he cheated on me. He went drinking with his buddies and met a woman at the bar. They had sex together—not just that night, but several times afterwards, I moved in with my mother. How can I ever trust him again?”
Relatives and friends, when they found out about the affair, pressured her to get a divorce. That was sad because, even though he had made an incredibly painful mistake, it was obvious they loved each other.
I helped them to heal, and she gave birth to an adorable baby girl. Their relationship is now richer than it ever was because now they have exciting new
skills
Is it true that women are more faithful then men?
In the 1940s, Kinsey showed that 70 % of men have had an extramarital affair
and 40 % of women. More recent research shows that there is little difference in the percentage of affairs between men and women, since these days many women are working. The differences Kinsey observed in the 40’s were probably due to the lack of opportunity women had to meet interesting men.
How does the attraction between a man and woman develop in the workplace? Do people start out intending to cheat?
Two people working in the same office may find they have a lot in common. They innocently become friends and go to lunch together with no intention of cheating. Soon they go over the line and discuss personal difficulties they are having with their mates. The co-worker, hearing only one side of the story, tends to be supportive, causing the dissatisfied person to feel unappreciated at home and interesting and attractive at the office.
What types of marriages remain stable over time?
There are three types of stable marriages.
The first is a husband and wife who avoid conflict. When they disagree with each other, they don’t argue. They listen, but do not try to persuade. We call these couples “avoiders.” They may tend to be unemotional, distant/ and to lack passion, but they endure.
The second type of stable relationship is one in which the couple argues at the drop of a hat. These marriages, although volatile, tend to last.
The third type of stable marriage is the “validating” couple. They listen to each other, respect the other’s opinion, and argue occasionally. They pick the issues they argue about. Trouble occurs when the couple’s personalities do not mesh in resolving conflicts. For instance, the husband is a volatile arguer and the wife is an avoider.
How important is sex in a marriage? What about couples who go on for years without having sex?
There are couples who choose to remain together even if their marriage has become sexless. Some feel bitter about it. Others make peace with themselves and their partners and decide they are getting enough positive things out of the marriage to continue on.
With counseling, couples they often regain the passion, trust and intimacy they enjoyed in the earlier days of their relationship.
Should all marriages remain intact—no matter what?
There are marriages in which a couple is so mismatched they are better off not staying together. And, of course, physical and emotional abuse must not be
tolerated. Home needs to be a safe place for the entire family.
What are some of the key ingredients that enable a marriage to succeed?
Partners who make their relationship work have important skills which help love to deepen.
I teach excellent techniques to help couples communicate in a positive way to resolve conflicts. When the cycle of accusation and blame is stopped and couples learn to speak to each other respectfully/ a sense of hope and well-being returns to the marriage.
Couples must learn to initiate important conversations gently with a softened startup. If you use a softened startup, that is, if you say what is bothering you in a kind, compassionate way, without criticizing or attacking, your partner will retain dignity and feel more motivated to please you.
If you initiate a conversation with an accusation, your partner will feel hurt and defensive. That’s why softening the startup is so important. Studies show that most conversations end on the same note as they began.
Home has to be a safe haven where partners soothe and nurture each other and are open to discuss each other’s needs.
Couples need to make building and preserving their friendship a top priority. It’s so sad when they neglect their friendship and take each other for granted.
Sometimes couples have the same arguments again and again. I want children; you don’t. You’re very social; I’d rather stay home. There seems to be no solution to these fundamental differences. That’s because there aren’t. Over time, when a relationship is loving and supportive, couples may learn to accept these differences and to respect each other’s dreams.
I show couples how to recognize and respond to each other’s bids for connection. A bid for connection is an attempt to create connection in order to keep the relationship moving forward. It can be a smile, a touch, a way of reaching out. It can be verbal or non-verbal. How those bids are made and responded to influences how successful the relationship will be. When couples respond to each other’s bids for connection, love deepens.
Focus on improving daily interactions and try not to bring up past hurts when you become angry. Ask yourself, “What is my goal? Is my goal to make my partner feel like a bad person or is it to communicate my feelings and needs in a way that will bring us closer?
Communicate with openness and empathy. When your partner speaks, determine whether you are hearing a statement about facts of about feelings. Answer facts with facts and feelings with feelings. For instance, if your partner asks something factual such as, “What time do you think you’ll be home tonight?” respond on a factual level. Say, “I’ll be home about seven o’clock.” On
the other hand, if you partner shares a feeling: “I’m upset about the way my sister spoke to me,” respond with a caring feeling: “I’m sorry this hurt you… would you like to tell me about it?” Then listen with your heart.
I help couples identify and break free of destructive emotional patterns. For instance, when one person criticizes, the other withdraws – the more I push, the more you withdraw. Both partners are victims of these cycles. When they recognize their emotional patterns and consciously create new, more productive ones/ love blossoms.
Marriage may be made in heaven, but it takes skill, commitment, and wisdom to keep it vibrant.
Jacqueline Summers, M.A. has a profound understanding of the world of couples in distress. With warmth, wisdom, and professional expertise, she helps couples to make positive changes to achieve a mature, nourishing, and enduring love. She has been committed to transforming conflict into a map for growth for more than twenty-eight years. She helps couples to recognize and alter dysfunctional patterns, emphasizes the importance of emotional connection and teaches remarkably empowering communication techniques.
Jacqueline Summers is a licensed psychologist and a Certified Imago Couples Therapist. Her writing has appeared in magazines and anthologies in the United States and Canada, including The Saturday Evening Post and Reader’s Digest.
