Revive tenderness, intimacy, and understanding

Often people in a relationship don’t realize how important their bond is until it’s just about destroyed. Many couples are raising children by the time they realize their marriage has been slowly drifting apart. Some escape through affairs, shopping, work, hobbies, or the internet. Some become filled with remorse for the things they have done or not done and get depressed. Others plead for more love and attention. They want to regain a sense of connection, passion, and trust.

Your primary relationship is important

You have committed yourself to one person and have chosen to spend the rest of your lives together. This arrangement provides both of you with the security of having a loyal, loving partner that you can turn to for affection and support. A well-functioning marriage can provide a safe and secure ‘home base’ that nurtures and sustains you. When boredom, disconnection or hostility enters a marriage, the loss of companionship is profoundly painful. It often takes several years until a couple acknowledges the loss and attempts to do something about it. Typically, couples do not realize the extent of the damage until one or both can no longer ignore the pain.

We can help you restore the love you once had

Even if your marriage has been troubled for many years, either through neglect, infidelity, or feelings of being unappreciated, love is possible again. We will help you significantly improve your relationship so that home can, once again, be a safe haven.

An unhappy marriage can affect your health and lead to anxiety and depression. When there is bickering and fighting within a marriage, adrenaline and cortisol levels dramatically increase. These hormones are responsible for the fight-or-flight response. The more bickering and fighting in a marriage, the more harmful the effects of these emergency response hormones on your body.

If your relationship is in trouble, we can help you. Life is too short to spend it constantly fighting with the person you care for so deeply.

Imagine a loving marriage that nurtures

A good marriage can help keep you healthy. Studies show that loving, nurturing, and harmonious relationships are associated with faster recovery from injury and illness, longer life expectancy, and a decreased risk of depression and

addictions. Loving feelings produce the anti-stress, anti-depression, and anti-anxiety hormone called oxytocin. When you feel connected with your spouse, the whole world looks better because your brain is literally bathed in this tranquility producing hormone. Learn valuable skills such as creative problem solving, communication techniques, the importance of expressing appreciation, and how to keep an argument from escalating.

We can help you achieve the relationship you’ve always wanted

Take the first step towards a better life with the person you love. Call now for a free initial phone consultation.

I’ve heard that over half of all marriages end in divorce. Is that true?

Yes, about 55% of first marriages end in divorce and 65% of second marriages, 40 % of couples divorce within the first four years. Once the first flush of love ends, couples lack the skills they need to transition into a deeper, more mature relationship. That’s so sad, because with good counseling most couples can recapture positive feelings and re-ignite their love.

What causes a couple that started out with so much love to eventually drift apart?

Couples begin to drift apart when communication breaks down. The way they try to resolve conflicts has a lot to do with whether the relationship will last.

For a relationship to thrive, you need to feel emotionally close to each other. Intimacy increases when you communicate in a caring, respectful way. You mustn’t put each other down or be harsh. It’s not just what you say but how you say it and your body language and facial expression.

Drifting apart is the #1 cause of divorce in this country, even more than infidelity or financial problems. Relationships drift apart when partners neglect their friendship and allow conflicts to escalate instead of making profound attempts to resolve them. Criticism, defensiveness, putting the other person down, and not spending enough time having fun together are some of the reasons a couple drifts apart.

Couples need to make their relationship a top priority and put lots of time and energy into it. They need to go out for dinner and take walks. When couples take each other for granted and become preoccupied, the relationship deteriorates.

Something else that affects a relationship is emotional baggage. Memories of past interactions with another person re-surface. If this is happening in your relationship, you or your partner may be reacting to differences inappropriately, with a ten instead of a two.

I worked with a couple who came in with a jealousy issue. The woman’s first husband had cheated on her many times, and she never recovered. Now, every time her new husband came home a little late from the office, she barraged him with questions, “Where were you? It couldn’t have taken that long to drive home” Needless to say, by the time they came for counseling, he dreaded coming home. The marriage was in big trouble.

Partners have to feel safe to talk about hurt feelings. When they don’t discuss their hurts, the hurt turns into resentment. This can lead to emotional deadness. The passion goes out of the relationship. They begin to feel like roommates. Once the ability to connect and be vulnerable diminishes, love diminishes too,

“I feel so alone,” a woman told me, “even though my husband is right beside me. It hurts so badly not to connect. I think I’d be less lonely without him.”

What causes a disagreement to escalate into an argument?

Poor communication skills and lack of a sincere attempt to understand what your partner is feeling. It’s important to listen with respect and openness,

Sometimes you think you’re listening to what your partner is saying, but you’re listening with your head instead of your heart. You’re thinking about the next thing you’ll say, how to defend yourself and prove you’re right.

You need to really stop and listen, to really care how much your partner hurts, and to tell your partner when you are addressed in a hurtful way. It is through connecting one heart to another, around seemingly small things, that love grows.

What if one partner wants to seek counseling and the other doesn’t? Is there hope for the relationship?

Even if you come for counseling a one, there are lots of things you can do to improve your relationship. Often, when you change, your partner changes too.

Is it possible to help a marriage when the couple’s personalities do not mesh?

Yes, it’s possible to help such marriages. For instance, one partner must be taught how to respond to the other’s verbal attacks, and the other must learn ways to tone down his or her volatility,

Is it true that couples should never go to bed angry?

No, it’s not true. Once one or both partners fee emotionally flooded, their interactions will almost always be destructive. It’s best to wait until you are quieted down or to sleep on it rather than to stay up late to avoid going to sleep angry.

What is emotional flooding?

Emotional flooding happens when emotions begin to get out of control. It’s accompanied by higher blood pressure, a pounding heart, rapid breathing and muscle tension. You feel overwhelmed. You want to run. You know you might say or do something you’ll regret later.

What should couples do when they’re getting emotionally flooded? Is there any way they can stop themselves before they damage the relationship?

One of the most important things I teach couples is to recognize when an argument is beginning to escalate and to take a “pause” or “time-out.”

We all get carried away in the passion of the moment. We lose our tempers and say things we’ll regret later. As soon as you sense that your partner is about to go over the line into verbally aggressive behavior, say, “I see you’re angry with me. I want to hear what you have to say, but I need you to speak to me respectfully.” If your partner continues the aggressive behavior, say, “This is getting too heated, I need a time-out. I’ll be back in fifteen minutes.” Then leave the room. If, after fifteen minutes, your partner is still revved up, say you’ll be back in half an hour. If the verbal aggression continues when you return, leave for an hour. Discuss the issue only when both of you are quieted down and have a sincere intention to be respectful.

Taking a time-out spares both of you from hurting each other by saying things you can’t take back or doing something that will cause lasting damage. When you sense that an argument is about to spiral out of control, that’s the time to leave. Sometimes my clients tell me that when they attempt to leave, their partner blocks the door. Using physical force to keep a person captive can quickly escalate into physical violence.

Don’t use time-out to figure out how to retaliate when you return or flood your brain with negative thoughts about your partner. Instead use your break to take a therapeutic walk, focus on your breathing, and calm down.

When you come together again to discuss the issue, you can use your new communication and problem-solving skills. You’ll learn to relate in a positive way without attacking or defending. When couples interact in a caring, respectful way, love grows.

I know it’s important to maintain boundaries in a healthy relationship. Exactly what are boundaries and why are they so important?

When boundaries are in place, relationships flow smoothly. Boundaries set limits, define us, set expectations and give us rules about our roles. When boundaries are strong they also become flexible. We are able to adapt in the moment. Boundaries are a problem when they are so rigid they have no flexibility or so flexible they have no power.

If I can trust that you will set your boundary then when I need to ask you for something I can trust that you will take care of yourself, consider the request, agree or not and not hold resentment later as to your decision. I want to trust that you will interact with me according to the rules we set. As trust builds, our love will become deeper and deeper.

What about infidelity? How does one let go of constantly thinking about past hurts and betrayal?

The only way you can let go of past hurts and betrayal is by having those hurts listened to and honored and to know your partner sincerely wants to change.

Sometimes there’s more going on under the surface than meets the eye. A couple came to my office who had been bickering for a long time. Then it came out. She had had an affair twenty years before, and they had not gone for help to connect back up. As time passed, they became more and more emotionally withdrawn. During our sessions I helped them heal old wounds. They learned valuable communication and problem-solving skills and were able to re-ignite their love,

Why are affairs so devastating?

Discovering an affair can cause one’s partner the overwhelming emotional pain of an “attachment injury.” An attachment injury happens after a betrayal of trust, and it defines the relationship as insecure. The suffering is very intense.

A couple in their thirties came to my office recently. She was pregnant and very distraught. “We were so excited,” she said, “that a baby was coming. We felt closer than ever. Then I found out he cheated on me. He went drinking with his buddies and met a woman at the bar. They had sex together—not just that night, but several times afterwards, I moved in with my mother. How can I ever trust him again?”

Relatives and friends, when they found out about the affair, pressured her to get a divorce. That was sad because, even though he had made an incredibly painful mistake, it was obvious they loved each other.

I helped them to heal, and she gave birth to an adorable baby girl. Their relationship is now richer than it ever was because now they have exciting new
skills

Is it true that women are more faithful then men?

In the 1940s, Kinsey showed that 70 % of men have had an extramarital affair

and 40 % of women. More recent research shows that there is little difference in the percentage of affairs between men and women, since these days many women are working. The differences Kinsey observed in the 40’s were probably due to the lack of opportunity women had to meet interesting men.

How does the attraction between a man and woman develop in the workplace? Do people start out intending to cheat?

Two people working in the same office may find they have a lot in common. They innocently become friends and go to lunch together with no intention of cheating. Soon they go over the line and discuss personal difficulties they are having with their mates. The co-worker, hearing only one side of the story, tends to be supportive, causing the dissatisfied person to feel unappreciated at home and interesting and attractive at the office.

What types of marriages remain stable over time?

There are three types of stable marriages.

The first is a husband and wife who avoid conflict. When they disagree with each other, they don’t argue. They listen, but do not try to persuade. We call these couples “avoiders.” They may tend to be unemotional, distant/ and to lack passion, but they endure.

The second type of stable relationship is one in which the couple argues at the drop of a hat. These marriages, although volatile, tend to last.

The third type of stable marriage is the “validating” couple. They listen to each other, respect the other’s opinion, and argue occasionally. They pick the issues they argue about. Trouble occurs when the couple’s personalities do not mesh in resolving conflicts. For instance, the husband is a volatile arguer and the wife is an avoider.

How important is sex in a marriage? What about couples who go on for years without having sex?

There are couples who choose to remain together even if their marriage has become sexless. Some feel bitter about it. Others make peace with themselves and their partners and decide they are getting enough positive things out of the marriage to continue on.

With counseling, couples they often regain the passion, trust and intimacy they enjoyed in the earlier days of their relationship.

Should all marriages remain intact—no matter what?

There are marriages in which a couple is so mismatched they are better off not staying together. And, of course, physical and emotional abuse must not be

tolerated. Home needs to be a safe place for the entire family.

What are some of the key ingredients that enable a marriage to succeed?

Partners who make their relationship work have important skills which help love to deepen.

I teach excellent techniques to help couples communicate in a positive way to resolve conflicts. When the cycle of accusation and blame is stopped and couples learn to speak to each other respectfully/ a sense of hope and well-being returns to the marriage.

Couples must learn to initiate important conversations gently with a softened startup. If you use a softened startup, that is, if you say what is bothering you in a kind, compassionate way, without criticizing or attacking, your partner will retain dignity and feel more motivated to please you.

If you initiate a conversation with an accusation, your partner will feel hurt and defensive. That’s why softening the startup is so important. Studies show that most conversations end on the same note as they began.

Home has to be a safe haven where partners soothe and nurture each other and are open to discuss each other’s needs.

Couples need to make building and preserving their friendship a top priority. It’s so sad when they neglect their friendship and take each other for granted.

Sometimes couples have the same arguments again and again. I want children; you don’t. You’re very social; I’d rather stay home. There seems to be no solution to these fundamental differences. That’s because there aren’t. Over time, when a relationship is loving and supportive, couples may learn to accept these differences and to respect each other’s dreams.

I show couples how to recognize and respond to each other’s bids for connection. A bid for connection is an attempt to create connection in order to keep the relationship moving forward. It can be a smile, a touch, a way of reaching out. It can be verbal or non-verbal. How those bids are made and responded to influences how successful the relationship will be. When couples respond to each other’s bids for connection, love deepens.

Focus on improving daily interactions and try not to bring up past hurts when you become angry. Ask yourself, “What is my goal? Is my goal to make my partner feel like a bad person or is it to communicate my feelings and needs in a way that will bring us closer?

Communicate with openness and empathy. When your partner speaks, determine whether you are hearing a statement about facts of about feelings. Answer facts with facts and feelings with feelings. For instance, if your partner asks something factual such as, “What time do you think you’ll be home tonight?” respond on a factual level. Say, “I’ll be home about seven o’clock.” On

the other hand, if you partner shares a feeling: “I’m upset about the way my sister spoke to me,” respond with a caring feeling: “I’m sorry this hurt you… would you like to tell me about it?” Then listen with your heart.

I help couples identify and break free of destructive emotional patterns. For instance, when one person criticizes, the other withdraws – the more I push, the more you withdraw. Both partners are victims of these cycles. When they recognize their emotional patterns and consciously create new, more productive ones/ love blossoms.

Marriage may be made in heaven, but it takes skill, commitment, and wisdom to keep it vibrant.

Jacqueline Summers, M.A. has a profound understanding of the world of couples in distress. With warmth, wisdom, and professional expertise, she helps couples to make positive changes to achieve a mature, nourishing, and enduring love. She has been committed to transforming conflict into a map for growth for more than twenty-eight years. She helps couples to recognize and alter dysfunctional patterns, emphasizes the importance of emotional connection and teaches remarkably empowering communication techniques.

Jacqueline Summers is a licensed psychologist and a Certified Imago Couples Therapist. Her writing has appeared in magazines and anthologies in the United States and Canada, including The Saturday Evening Post and Reader’s Digest.

I have clients who as children broke the family rules. The trouble was that they didn’t know the rules – they were only told what they were after they broke them. People carry over these family rules into adulthood but like their parents, they seldom bother telling their partners what their rules are or how they are to be interpreted. For instance, one of my clients made an agreement with his wife. One day she’ll cook, he said, and he’ll clean. The next day they’ll alternate tasks. But sometimes she’ll let the dishes pile up. So the next day when it’s his turn to do them he’ll only clean the dishes from the meal they’ve just had. She’s upset and asks why he didn’t do all the dishes. And he’ll insist that the dishes from the previous night weren’t his responsibility. And she’ll say, “Well, that’s not fair.” Both of them have rules for the other, it’s just that neither of them will come out and say exactly what they are.

Marriages are more likely to survive when partners are in accord – either they’re both arguers or else they’re both passive. Marriages are in danger, though, if one partner is an arguer and the other is passive. That said, couples – even when they’re both arguers – frequently lack the skills to fight. My first rule is that there’s no excuse for aggression. You can express your feelings and needs without yelling, berating or degrading your partner. Above all, no violence! I always try to impress on couples that reality is in the receiver. What seems like communication to one partner actually comes across as aggression to the other. That means that if he says you’re being offensive to him you are. You can insist that you didn’t mean to hurt him, but that’s irrelevant. For him the hurt was real. If I say ouch it hurts. It works both ways. I have a second rule: if the confrontation threatens to spiral out of control take a break. Tell your partner that you’re going for a walk. If you come back and your partner is still in a rage take a longer break. You want to do whatever is necessary to stop the situation from escalating

Non-Confrontation: Some couples try to avoid confrontation altogether so they won’t get hurt, but seething in anger and saying nothing aren’t any solution, either. Your partner does something that annoys you, yet you don’t say a word. But when the same thing happens again and again eventually the frustration will build up and you explode. You bring up all the accumulated grievances and spill them out at once. She’s shocked. She had no idea she’d done anything wrong and now she’s being handed a bill of indictment. This is a prescription for disaster.

The Support Sandwich: Confrontation will sometimes become necessary in any relationship but there are ways of going about it so that you don’t end up devastating your partner or making things worse for yourself. I teach a technique to my clients which I call a Support Sandwich. First support your partner, then confront him and then support him:

I can see how frustrated you are.
But I need for you to talk to me in a softer way.
But I also know how when I get all wound up it’s hard for me to be soft, too.

No one changes because he’s told that he’s wrong. If you’re using a harsh tone of voice with me and I respond the same way neither of us gains. But if I confront you with love and respect – “I love you and you hurt me and I need you to speak to me in a softer way” – then it’s far more likely that both of you will emerge from the experience with greater understanding and fewer scars.

Vulnerability: When we’re fighting it’s almost impossible to step back and ask your partner: What do you see me doing that’s making you so hurt and angry? Opening up to your partner — showing vulnerability — is one of the most difficult skills for my clients to learn. That’s perfectly understandable. The cues we get from our culture tell us just the opposite. Our media show couples trying to resolve their disputes by shouting and lashing out at each other. As we grow up we learn two basic strategies to confront: attack and defend. We’re taught to look upon the person we disagree with as an adversary. Most people don’t realize that softness can be strength.

LACE: Here’s one of the biggest paradoxes of all: When you give love you heal your heart, not when you receive love. Even when you hurt me, if I give you love and compassion and appreciation it helps me. That concept of giving love is expressed in an acronym I’ve coined called LACE which stands for Love, Affection, Compassion and Empathy. Saying that love is a healing force isn’t just a pretty metaphor or a romantic sentiment suitable for syrupy pop songs. It’s literally true. Scientists have shown the therapeutic effects of love on health. Even if you send your love out and pour it back into your head – in other words, even if your love isn’t being reciprocated — that energy heals your heart all the same. When the two of you are focusing on ‘I love you, I want to give this to you’ – you can only benefit. But if your thinking runs more along the lines of ‘I need her to soothe me and tell me it wasn’t my fault’ it’s not going to work.

Focus on Yourself: I always urge my clients: Take care of yourself first. You can’t look at the other person and say it’s his fault. That’s not going to help you. Taking care of yourself means many things: you need to learn how to eat better, how to exercise, how to become more relaxed. Above all, it means learning how to speak to yourself in a softer way. (In other words, you can’t keep blaming yourself – I deserved it, I had it coming to me, it’s my fault…) I can’t change my partner’s behavior without first focusing on my own behavior. I’ve been able to help couples by treating only one partner without ever laying eyes on the other simply by getting that person to focus on herself. When one partner changes her behavior she will influence the behavior of the other. And what if it doesn’t work? Well, then the person who has learned how to help herself will have the satisfaction of knowing that she gave it her best shot.

The Critical Incident: There’s something called the critical incident – it’s that incident that happened that you wished hadn’t. You’d do anything to go back in time and undo it. When you think about something that’s happened it generates bitter feelings. Feelings drive behaviors. When people fight they want to go back in time and bring up the critical event. So when I’m working with a couple and they start fighting about something that happened I ask them what they’re thinking and how it made them feel. The event can’t be undone. But we do get to decide what kind of feelings we want to create right now. That’s how we can gain control over our lives. I can choose what I think and feel. I can choose to move forward from anger or sadness or guilt.

Restoring Trust: One of the first casualties of a deteriorating marriage is trust. How do you learn – or more precisely relearn — trust? There’s a risk involved, of course, especially when it comes to affairs. There’s nothing more devastating than finding out that someone you love and trust is having an affair. But if there’s any hope of regaining trust you have to make a distinction between the affair and what happened to precipitate the affair. How does he heal from it and how do you heal from it? Before we really start working on the relationship we have to get clear how to respond to the affair. But the same principles apply wherever something happens that stretches trust to the breaking point or beyond. What the other person needs is empathy and compassion and above all, no stories. By that I mean that if you’re the one who’s had the affair you shouldn’t try to explain or justify what you did, however valid your reasons, even if your partner drove you to it.

If I tell my brain I can’t trust again because I don’t want to be hurt (again) the brain will respond accordingly. If, on the other hand, you want to trust your partner – even though it represents a leap of faith – and you keep reinforcing your intention the brain will begin to shift gears and little by little you’ll learn to trust again. But you have to tell your brain what to do. You don’t want your brain to tell you what to.

Intention: If both partners have good intentions – they really want the marriage to work – then the prospects for success are greatly improved. However, a problem arises when people can’t express their true intentions, they get hung up on the words and as a result their partner misconstrues their meaning.

John: Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to reach out and I don’t have any bad intentions it’s still perceived in a negative way. That makes me hurt in two ways – it hurts because all of a sudden I’m being accused of something I didn’t intend but also because there’s obviously something I’m doing wrong in her eyes. I want to find out what that is.

You’re really trying to say something to be supportive but you’re not realizing that the way you’re saying it comes out as accusatory. The bottom line is intention. I’ve seen couples where the husband will be struggling to explain what he’s feeling. But I can tell that his words are coming across in a hurtful way to his wife. I have to interrupt to point out that his intention is at odds with the way he’s stringing his words together. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. I turn to the wife and I tell her, “What I’d like you to do when he’s talking, when it’s heartfelt, instead of personalizing it and letting it worry you, tell him what’s bothering you. Tell him that what he said hurt you and ask him to try it again – even if it takes two or three or four times.”

Letting Your Partner Alone: When couples let each other find out who they really are that’s when relationships tend to last. If you don’t feel free you won’t connect with your partner. If I’m desperate and I insist on you acting in a certain way so that I can live with you that’s when things will spin out of control. If I don’t feel free I’ll look for satisfaction elsewhere. Maybe there’s someone else I can feel free with – that’s what affairs are always about. The paradox is that if in my desperation to hold onto you by imposing all these expectations I’ll be driving you further away.

Change: The brain doesn’t like to change patterns. We get stuck with certain behaviors and lead our lives as if we have no choice. When we get trapped in a cycle your brain has been very busy reinforcing the same pattern: criticize-defend/criticize-defend…. . What research shows, though, is that when we change the pattern the relationship will begin to heal. I encourage couples to take a lesson from Zen. Zen is about non-attachment. By adopting an attitude of non-attachment – in effect stepping away from the pain – the pain is alleviated. It doesn’t mean that you stop hurting altogether. What it does mean is that you are beginning to break free of the vicious cycle, you are escaping the trap, and instead of being stuck in the past – he did that, she did that – you’re moving forward.

Homework: During my sessions I very often give my clients homework assignments – skills that they can practice when they’re together in their normal day-to-day lives. Many of these assignments will be appended to each chapter for readers’ benefit.

How talking and listening to each other for ten minutes every morning can work wonders
How giving and receiving five appreciations a day can improve your marriage
How it’s possible to reconnect after a fight
How it’s possible to stop aggressive fighting
How to risk being vulnerable
How to find out the rules – your rules and your partner’s

We’ll also cover

The ADD Relationship: What couples can do to compensate when the marriage is disrupted because one partner has Attention Deficit Disorder.

Dependence: In any relationship there’s always the danger that one partner in a marriage will become dependent on the other, not only emotionally but for his or her very identity so if the marriage ends they have no idea who they are anymore.

Family Past: It’s not unusual to confide in your partner about your family past and the hurt you’ve suffered and how your upbringing may relate to your behavior in the present. The trouble starts when your partner uses what you’ve said about your family as ammunition to hurt you.

How to Soothe Yourself: Soothing yourself sounds easy but it’s not. As children we often use objects – toys, teddy bears, pillows – to soothe ourselves. As adults we resort to stronger medicine — drugs, overeating, shopping or an affair. We need to learn healthier ways of soothing ourselves because after all if you don’t know how to soothe yourself how can you soothe your partner – and how can your partner soothe you?

Getting from head to heart and why it’s so hard for so many people…. Why it’s so important to stop ruminating over the relationship

Why the dominance of left brain thinking threatens marriage, adversely affects the educational system and the culture at large

How too many people resort to action to the exclusion of anything else before they have understood the situation they’re in.

How the problems that confront straight couples are no different from those that confront gay couples

How over the course of two decades or more the problems that cause couples to drift apart are largely the same but two trends have emerged in recent years. More clients are complaining that they’re sexually turned off by their partners because they’re overweight or obese. The second problem is that more relationships are troubled because people have been spoiled as children and are full of unrealistic expectations that they bring to their marriages.

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